I Wish I Could Write a Bio as Well as This Guy

Found on The Register's Odds and Sods page on the death of Barney the Purple Dinosaur's lawsuit against a website hating on him:

Bonhomie Snoutintroff is a plain-spoken strong leader in cyberspace. He did poorly in school but his family is rich and well connected, so he's served as CEO of numerous, well-known Internet ventures that for various reasons unrelated to his forward-looking guidance no longer exist. He developed a cocaine and alcohol problem, although he refuses to dwell on the past: his mission is to bring honor and dignity to the IT profession. His keen insight as a global techno-visionary is matched only by his Christian humility.

This guy could make a living writing resumes. And with a name like "Bonhomie Snoutintroff," people will think you've come up with some sort of ridiculous pen name to boot.